you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
