Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
