I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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