super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
