saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
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I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
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WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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