I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
