If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
