New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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