my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
