I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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