he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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