She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
