bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda