I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
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I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
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things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.