So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants