so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk