I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
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All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
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The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation