so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!