new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
