you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think I have vodka in my lungs
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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