Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
