Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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