Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
