I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I would ride that face into the sunset
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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