And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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