I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
