Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
