I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
