Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
