she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
