I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
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So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
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Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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