Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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