At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?