i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..