good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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