at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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