if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
