i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
