you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
