True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
