last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How does it feel to date your dad?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
