I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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