You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
