My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
