This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
