remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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