ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
