spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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