At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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