I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
