i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
