the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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