i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
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