If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
