So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
