If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
