I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
