I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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