her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
