The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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