UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We left an ass print on the piano.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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