At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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