just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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