why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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