i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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